Rediscovered Psychic Permit File Prompts Calls For Exorcism, Incense, Prayer Flags, Tongues, Rosaries, And Possibly A Municipal Altar Call

CINCINNATI—The City of Sharonville issued an urgent interdenominational appeal Monday after officials confirmed that a long-missing municipal document authorizing palm reading and psychic services had resurfaced, causing what staff described as “controlled trembling” throughout City Hall.

Officials said the preferred response would involve a coordinated citywide spiritual intervention drawing from every available Christian tradition, including Catholic holy water deployment, Pentecostal prayer declarations, evangelical praise warfare, Baptist committee review, Orthodox incense saturation, Methodist sign-up sheets, non-denominational fog machines, and at least one Lutheran quietly asking whether this was necessary.

“We are calling on the full body of Christ, including the parts currently recovering from Easter brunch,” said a Sharonville emergency liaison. “Unfortunately, the response has been limited due to sanctuary overcrowding, flag worship fatigue, people who can’t talk after speaking in tongues for hours on end. ”

The document, reportedly discovered behind old zoning records and a box labeled “miscellaneous spiritual commerce,” has alarmed residents who believe its continued presence may have allowed unregulated prophecy to settle in over several years.

City officials said they first contacted Catholics for immediate holy water coverage, but many parishes were still processing large Easter attendance surges and were unable to spare additional incense without diocesan clarification. Pentecostal leaders were reportedly willing to assist but requested a louder sound system, three oil drums of anointing oil, and permission to rebuke the file by name.

“This is not a one-sect problem,” said local resident Randy Blevins. “You’re going to need rosaries, tongues, altar calls, worship flags, prayer chains, and at least two men in cargo shorts quoting Revelation from memory.”

A city spokesperson said officials also reviewed whether televised Kenneth Copeland declarations could be adapted for municipal use, but warned that any such language may require zoning approval due to its potential effect on nearby traffic lights.

Reports of Satan visiting the region were not formally confirmed, though Cincinnati officials denied any “active possession” involving Mayor Aftab Pureval. People had made this assumption after playing around with the last name Pureval to sound like “pure evil.”

As of press time, Sharonville had placed the document under a hymnal, two blessed pierogies, and a laminated copy of the zoning code with a local crystal shop owner attempting to sage the area surrounding the permit.